http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uneIieUrgI

I arrived home on Friday at 9 to find my father assuming an awkward pose on our living room couch.
Generally, when someone in our family sits on our couch, it's a sign that things are Not Good.
The couch is used less for sitting and more for clothes hanger. It is covered with accessories, pillows, and - of course - clothes.
The two times my parents sat on the couch, one was to tell me my mother had lost my ipod when she had taken it without my permission, and the second time was 15 minutes later when i yelled at my mother for losing said ipod and got grounded.
So it was fairly strange to find my father sitting on the couch.
Stranger still was that he had abandoned his Ghetto Garb.
"Paula," he patted the couch space next to him, "Come have a sit."
"Daddy-o, don't you mean a sit-down-o?" I joked, quoting him directly from last week.
Father didn't laugh.
"I want to talk with you .. about boys."
OHHHHHHH HELL NO.
"Specifically .... are you assocating with them?"
"Well," I chose my words carefully, "I go to school with them and sometimes I see them ...
"DO YOU KISS THEM. ARE YOU DOING THINGS WITH THEM. PAULA, HOW MUCH ARE YOU TELLING ME?" Father was shrieking. And not the way he shrieks when he plays bingo, or the way he shrieks when he is watching soccer. No, he was shrieking like when he got my texting bill. That sort of high pitched, animal, OHMYGOD I NEED THIS PURSE kind of shriek.
"Dad! Where is this coming from?"
"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL? OR DRUGS? ARE YOU A VIRGIN?"
"Dad!"
"I'm sorry," he said, rubbing the bald spot I hadn't seen in over a month due to it constantly being under a customized hat, "It's just I saw this video of this girl - named Victoria? Paula, she's had sex over 300 TIMES! She has it in the staircase, in the mall, IN HER MOMMA'S BED. Paula, have you ever had SEX IN OUR BED? You know you can't be having sex in our bed, because WE DON'T HAVE SEX IN OUR BED."
"WOAH. TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Did you say you watched Victoria? If my baby loses its pacifier -"
"It's okay, cause I got 3 MO," Father cut me off.
"I WILL DO WHATEVA IT TAKES TO HAVE A BABY," we both intoned.
"I'm going to dress my baby in all brand names," Daddy said, thrusting out a hip.
"And if I can't afford it, I guess i'm gonna steal it."
"If my baby gets cold and needs a blanket, it's okay, cause I have it!" Dad said excitedly.
This was the father I knew and loved.
"Wow, Paula," said Father, "I really am happy that you're not that attractive."
This was the father I hated and despised.
"I mean," Father corrected himself, "I really am happy you're not doing these sorts of things, and even more happy that you don't have a boyfriend."
Um. That makes one of us.