SuperJew Girl gets the Boy.

Assignment: Create a Superhero alterego based loosely on your own life.

Superjew Girl’s quest to find a nice Jewish Boy
Superjew awoke to the buzzing of her loud, obnoxious alarm clock.
“Shut up, fershtinkiner,” she screeched, swapping at it. With a loud yawn, she got out of bed and padded to the bathroom, scrutinizing the reflection that greeted her. Her tight brown curls were matted down on the side of her head that she had slept on, and there was a pimple on the right side of her grandiose nose. She swept some foundation on and said a quick prayer to Adonai that, with all the amazing scientific discoveries being made on a daily basis, somebody would figure out a way to make schnoz appear smaller than it was. Superjew Girl, or SG for short, was positive that Jewish people all over the world would be very thankful for this miraculous invention. With one last look in the mirror, SG made her way to the kitchen for breakfast.
“Ay, SG,” her mother said, serving her an omelet, “If only you were a berryer like your sister, I wouldn’t have to make you breakfast. How are you going to marry a nice jewish boy when you can’t even make yourself a meal? He will leave you for a good jewish woman who will make him latkes at 2 in the morning. Even nudniks have a better chance at a marriage than you. Oy, vey. What am I going to do with you?”
As her mother prattled on, SG quickly scarfed down the omelet. She loved to argue, but not with her mother. The woman had 30 more years of practice, and SG had witnessed firsthand how her mother had worn down her father on many an occasion with her nagging. Sheesh, it was like nagging was her mother’s superpower.“Now, don’t forget to call me the moment you get on the train, the moment you get off the train, as soon as you get back the scores on your math test, right after you take your history test, right before you buy your lunch, after you’ve eaten your lunch, as soon as you finish the school day, as soon as Jewish Club ends, as soon as you’ve used the bathroom, as soon as you get outside school, and as soon as you get off the train. And bundle up in a nice sweater, it’s 70 degrees Fahrenheit outside and I don’t want you to catch a cold! Fershtay?” her mother asked, and SG nodded as if she had been paying attention the whole time.“Good, good,” her mother said, kissing her on the cheek and passing her 5 dollars for lunch. “Don’t forget that you owe me a quarter from 2 weeks ago,” her mother warned.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was lunchtime, and SG was starved. It was time to put her superpower, the ability to sniff out bargains within a 5 mile radius, to the test. She stood on the corner of Chambers and Church and inhaled the scents of Manhattan. It had rained the day before, and the air smelled fragrant. Further smelling uncovered that Portobello’s was selling 2 slices of pizza and a coke for 5 dollars, but Subway had 5 dollar subs for sale. Using her keen math senses, SG quickly calculated that Subway sandwiches had a greater mass, and therefore she got more food for her money. Smelled like a deal! SG patted her nose for a job well done.SG entered the establishment, wrinkling her nose at the odor of bacon. It weakened her ability to sniff out bargains, not to mention just smelled downright bad. She ordered a chicken breast sandwich and got out her money to pay.“That will be 5.52,” the dark-skinned boy at the counter spoke in a bored monotonous voice.“How dare you be such a gonif,” Superjew spat, “It’s 5.42, it has been so for the past year.”“It’s 10 cents more…” the dark-skinned boy said slowly and not kindly, “It’s not going to break the bank….”SuperJew felt herself growing angry, first at the fact that this dark-skinned boy was trying to deceive her, and secondly at the fact that he talked in the manner of an uneducated idiot.“It is 10 cents that I do not need to pay!” she said hotly, “And frankly, I refuse to do just that.”“Are you serious?” “Are you not serious?” SG asked, answering a question with a question, as she had been taught to when she was younger.The boy glowered at her as he handed her the sandwich.“Just take it and shut up.”SG ignored his insult and rejoiced in the sandwich having cost nothing at all. This meant that she and her friends Rivka and Lea could stop by her favorite place, the 99 cent store, after Jewish Club!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rivka tried on a pair of sunglasses and modeled them for Lea and SG.“What do you think?” she asked, spinning around.“Don’t do it,” SG warned, looking through a display of lip glosses, “I sniffed the same pair in the 99 cent store across town reduced to 75 cents.”
“You’re so useful, with your amazing superpowers,” Rivka said, putting the glasses back on their shelf.SG picked up two lip glosses and held both of them close to her face. One had 7 grams of lip gloss, and one had 8. Decision made.
She headed to the cash register to pay and tripped over someone’s protruding leg, landing on the palms of her hands with a thud. “Oh, shoot. I’m so sorry!” The person who the leg belonged to extended SG a tanned arm. She grasped it and looked up into his face.
Oh. My. Adonai. She made a quick broche that her unruly brown curls were not in disarray and that her nose situation was under control before offering the adorable male specimen in front of her a shy smile.“Don’t be,” she said flirtatiously, extending a thin hand in greeting, “I’m SuperJew.”
“Hey, SuperJew,” he said, not at all taken aback by her name, “I’m David.”
JEWISH NAME. JEWISH NAME. JEWISH NAME.
SuperJew gave David a quick once over. Brown curls, nose slightly out of the ordinary, nice smile, shopping in the 99 cent store… He might be one of their own.“I .. haven’t seen you in the synagogue,” SG said coyly.“I just moved here from Jerasulem,” he said, nodding, and still holding onto her hand.
“Maybe I could be your tour guide…” SG offered.
“I’d like that.”
SuperJew’s phone rang obnoxiously, interrupting her moment. SG knew who it was before even flipping the phone open.“Hey, Mom,” she answered, holding up a finger for David to wait, “Yes, I bought the ingredients for the matzo ball soup…Yes, I’m warm and fed. Yes, I’m sorry I forgot to call you after using the bathroom.” She quickly finished the conversation and hung up the phone, embarrassed.
“Super Jewish mom?” David asked.
“YES!” SuperJew answered, grateful for somebody that understood.
“My mom’s a total feminist, so she raised me to cook and clean so that I could help out my wife some day.”
SuperJew felt her Jewish heart bounce happily around her chest.
“I have to go, but here’s my number,” David took SuperJew’s phone from her pocket and used the keypad to input a number and save himself as a contact. “I’d love that tour.
”SuperJew couldn’t stop herself from checking out his round tuches as he exited the store.
This one was definitely a keeper.